It's Thanksgiving Day, 2014. I have survived. Four years ago I could never have envisioned this day. It's taken much work and much more faith but I have survived. My marriage is still intact.
So much swirls around those words. Still intact. It may be healthier than it's ever been. I may be stronger than I've ever been. I may be happier than I've ever been. Or not. I don't know because I didn't know I was living a lie for 20 years, how can I know I'm not now. I like being in this place however. I like knowing that I just don't know a damn thing.
One thing I know. I have survived and I know I can survive. I know my husband for what he is. What would it have accomplished if I left this marriage and tried another? More than likely I would have ended up where I am at now. The work needed to make this marriage work seems small in comparison to that.
My husband has been in counseling. I've been in counseling. We've been in counseling. We have a support system.
I miss my Pollyanna days. Oh how I miss them! Such is life. I wasn't destined to be Pollyanna, I was destined to be this battered, bruised, beaten, tormented survivor. It could be worse, right? I could be living as I used to live and would never ask to go back to that.
So through this all I am stronger and I am better. I am better than I was before. My marriage continues because I will it to. It is now my will and not anyone else's. Oh I still see high school friends on Facebook who were high school sweethearts, went to college together, married, worked, and had two beautiful blonde children, a boy and a girl. I get crazy jealous when I see that.
Why didn't my husband respect me the way her husband respected her? Because of me, that's why. I respect me now. Because I will it so. Happy Thanksgiving.
