Therein Lies the Defect of Revenge...

My husband is on a business trip. Only a week but the peace of these few days is so relaxing. I am having a hard time finishing my school work or completing a home project because I just want to relax.

I am not in love with him anymore. I used to adore him but that's the turf of Terri Cusic now. I no longer adore him. I love him still. All the things I loved about him are still there. He's funny. He's smart. He's strong. He enjoys plays and movies and books and travel. We love our dogs. We love our home.

But I'm not in love with him anymore.

For this week I don't have to think about who he fucked. I don't have images of him and Terri Cusic naked in a motel room. I can enjoy my garden.

When I think of him and Terri Cusic I can feel my breathing get fast and my heart speed up. I can feel the tension in my jaw that causes a headache. I become anxious. I think of revenge. I don't like thinking of revenge but why does she get to walk away from this pain? Fucking bitch. I'd like to fuck her up. I'd like to ruin her life.

Revenge is never as good in real life as in fantasy. What a bummer. I'd like to ruin her life.

"Therein lies the defect of revenge: it's all in the anticipation; the thing itself is a pain, not a pleasure." Mark Twain

I Always Hated "The Ugly Duckling"

In May of 1991 a man pursued me. He was strong, and blonde, with blue, blue eyes and he pursued me. He leaned close to me. He kissed me. I felt powerful when I was around him. We were both tall and blonde and strong. We were both smart and funny. We towered over the others. We wanted each other.

Finally, I thought, a man who sees my value. He doesn't care if I am beautiful but I am beautiful when I am with him. He cares if I am smart, and I am smart. He and I will make a team. We will care for each other and when the world is cruel we will shelter each other. We will have each other's backs. We will protect each other. We will build an empire even if it is a small empire.

We will be the world to each other.

What a crock of shit.

I didn't even know I believed in fairy tales.

So now, over 19 years later, this same man is pursuing me again. He is in counseling for his addiction. He goes to support groups. He listens. He calls. He tells me he loves me. He accepts responsibility for his actions. He reads books on sex addiction. He put a blocking software on his computer and he let me set the password.

So why should I believe in him now?

Is this another of my fairy tales?

Is this just another crock of shit?