Questions and Answers

1. How come I didn't know about my husband's infidelities?

I did know. Not details, mostly suspicions. I didn't want them to be true. I didn't want to know the truth. It's not as if I consciously lied to myself, but since I could not catch my husband in the act I chose to believe I had either caught him before he cheated or that I misunderstood what was going on.

But that's not really true either. I knew he was fucking the woman in Cheyenne who he went to school with. I knew it enough to drive to her apartment and wait beside his car. But I didn't want to know so much that I couldn't bring myself to knock on her door and didn't wait for him to come out. I had real reasons for not doing either of these things. We were in the military, I had to get back to work or get in trouble, I didn't want the police involved, I was humiliated, I didn't want my coworkers to know, I couldn't stand him looking me in the eye and telling me nothing was going on and I was misreading things, I didn't want us to lose our careers. Yes, yes! They were excuses and they were also real reasons.

Over the years every clue was denied. I loved my husband and he loved me. Surely if he wanted to cheat he eventually want to leave me. Surely. Surely not.

2. Why did I stay?

At first I stayed because I had nowhere to go. I had no job, I was in school in the middle of my internship, I needed the financial security even if I didn't have the emotional security. Yes, yes! These are all excuses but they are also real reasons.

Then I promised I would stay while he sought treatment and decided who he wanted to be. I had no idea if he could change or if he would want to change. I knew that in 6 months he might continue to seek sexual gratification. I knew that it might turn out badly. But I also knew something else. I have the power to decide. If he acts out he will screw up and I will find out. I know now that I know when he is cheating. I know now that I can leave. I have tried to work with him to build his honesty. I've tried to show him that I will not melt down again and I will not threaten to kill him. If he cannot stay committed I understand. He will need to indulge his lifestyle without me and since he's already cheated I am not learning anything new about him, I will just change my life choice.

3. How can I tolerated being treated so disrespectfully?

Once upon a time I, like most women, announced that if my husband ever cheated on me I would cut off his nuts and stuff them down his throat. That was when I was young and ignorant. My husband didn't just cheat on me, he was obsessed with sex. He was addicted. He is an addict.

4. Why do I stay now?

I could write a book.

365 Days

As I grow older my calendar has become peppered with days marked as special. My parent's birthdays, the days they died. My sister's birthdays and the day my brother died in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. The date of my first marriage and the date of my divorce. The date I met my husband, the date we married, the date I discovered he was fucking Terri Cusic, had seen a dominatrix, had sex with a couple, surfed Craig's List sex pages, and had a very robust on line sex chat life.

The days we go to marriage counseling, the days my husband goes to Sexaholics Anonymous, the days we go to Recovering Couples Anonymous. The days we work our 12 Steps, the days we do a State of the Marriage meeting.

365 days ago today. 365 days ago I was shattered and sick. 365 days ago I could not believe I would survive and that I would still be here. 365 days ago I lost my past and had no future. 365 days ago today.

So where am I at now. I still don't know for sure. I hoped that 365 days later I would not be navigating terra incognito but I am. I am still shuffling forward, my hands out in front, feeling for dangers and pitfalls, hoping to see some light.

It's all so complicated.