1. How come I didn't know about my husband's infidelities?
I did know. Not details, mostly suspicions. I didn't want them to be true. I didn't want to know the truth. It's not as if I consciously lied to myself, but since I could not catch my husband in the act I chose to believe I had either caught him before he cheated or that I misunderstood what was going on.
But that's not really true either. I knew he was fucking the woman in Cheyenne who he went to school with. I knew it enough to drive to her apartment and wait beside his car. But I didn't want to know so much that I couldn't bring myself to knock on her door and didn't wait for him to come out. I had real reasons for not doing either of these things. We were in the military, I had to get back to work or get in trouble, I didn't want the police involved, I was humiliated, I didn't want my coworkers to know, I couldn't stand him looking me in the eye and telling me nothing was going on and I was misreading things, I didn't want us to lose our careers. Yes, yes! They were excuses and they were also real reasons.
Over the years every clue was denied. I loved my husband and he loved me. Surely if he wanted to cheat he eventually want to leave me. Surely. Surely not.
2. Why did I stay?
At first I stayed because I had nowhere to go. I had no job, I was in school in the middle of my internship, I needed the financial security even if I didn't have the emotional security. Yes, yes! These are all excuses but they are also real reasons.
Then I promised I would stay while he sought treatment and decided who he wanted to be. I had no idea if he could change or if he would want to change. I knew that in 6 months he might continue to seek sexual gratification. I knew that it might turn out badly. But I also knew something else. I have the power to decide. If he acts out he will screw up and I will find out. I know now that I know when he is cheating. I know now that I can leave. I have tried to work with him to build his honesty. I've tried to show him that I will not melt down again and I will not threaten to kill him. If he cannot stay committed I understand. He will need to indulge his lifestyle without me and since he's already cheated I am not learning anything new about him, I will just change my life choice.
3. How can I tolerated being treated so disrespectfully?
Once upon a time I, like most women, announced that if my husband ever cheated on me I would cut off his nuts and stuff them down his throat. That was when I was young and ignorant. My husband didn't just cheat on me, he was obsessed with sex. He was addicted. He is an addict.
4. Why do I stay now?
I could write a book.
