...we took a vacation to Italy.
No that's not true. I had planned a vacation for three years. For the three years I worked on my MS I had planned a vacation because we hadn't been able to take one and as a graduation gift.
My husband, I note, gives me things in an effort to ease his conscience.
It was a wonderful vacation.
Now we're back.
During this vacation it was easy to slip into old ways. It has always been easy for me to pretend that what I don't know can't hurt me. That's why this blog is valuable. It reminds me of just how badly something I didn't want to know hurt me. It is so easy to slip back into the old ways now that we are home. I am supposed to believe everything he tells me. I am not supposed to pry into his email or Facebook. I am supposed to be happy. But I am not happy. I am not good.
One of the worst casualties of my husband's addiction is me. I hate what I have become. I understand that I do this out of self-preservation but I read his emails, I check his credit cards, I log into his Facebook and I question every contact and every message. I hate being a bitch. I could end this by leaving. I would never had to pry again. I will never, ever trust him. I don't think I will. What sane person want's to live this way?
