I enjoyed my job which involved a lot of travel. I discovered that for me, out of sight was really out of mind. I simply traveled, worked hard, and didn't obsess over what my husband might be doing. No one made comments about his behavior. There were no broad hints from friends that perhaps his behavior was creepy or inappropriate.
But what the hell. I didn't need them to know what was going on. One Friday afternoon, while happily unpacking my bag, waiting for my husband to come home from work, and getting reacquainted with my dog, the phone rang. It was an automated call telling that it was my lucky day! Susie or Linda or someone had left me a message and I could claim it by dialing in. I called the number. It required a password. I took a wag, a wild ass guess, and I was in. The message said Susie or Linda had read my ad and was interested in meeting me. She thought I was hot and wanted to have sex with me. Badly. Only it wasn't me. It was my husband. I was floored.
I listened to the ad my husband left about how good looking he was, how big his chest was, how hot he was, and how ready to please some lucky woman he was. I left Linda a message telling her that I was this guy's wife and she was a slut.
I sat down and got my breath back. OK. I needed to leave this guy. This was over the top. This was sick. This was bringing it into my home, my life, again. This was not in any way acceptable and I needed to leave and divorce this man, yada, yada, yada. I knew I wasn't going to leave him. I knew this because as I sat there I knew this was all my fault. I wasn't desirable or good enough.
When I fell in love with my husband I thought I could conquer the world. I had finally met a man who was my match. A man who appreciated a hard-working, tough woman. A man who respected me for my capabilities and not my looks. What a liar I was. I lied to myself. My husband didn't love me and it was my fault. I was sick.
We were both in the military working in highly classified career fields. If we went to marriage counseling we would lose our security clearances. If we divorced in our small career field we would have to face each other daily and I would bear the brunt of blame, no matter what. My mind reeled. I didn't want a divorce. I wanted my husband. I called him on the phone. You scum I growled. You pig. You fucked up this time, although I already knew I would fold. I'm leaving you. Then I waited.
My husband came screaming home. Oh God, don't leave me! It's a mistake. I was only screwing around! I never met anyone, I was just bored and playing around. Please, please, please! I love you! I cried buckets. I begged and threatened and all the while I knew I would let this man use me. I didn't want to admit I had made a mistake and married this man. I didn't want the world to know I had made a terrible mistake. I didn't want to be a failure.
I wondered how many of our friends knew he was screwing around on me. I was humiliated...again. I screamed through the night. I screamed until I was hoarse. I cried until my eyes swelled so much I couldn't see. My beautiful husband cried too. He looked miserable. He promised if I stayed he would make it up to me. He would never do anything like this again. In the morning I walked around like a zombie. I refused to talk to him. He waited on me. I went back to my duty station and talked to him on the phone. He promised he would never do anything like that again. I begged him not to hurt me again. He promised.
And I learned to live with it. I let it go. I filed it away and convinced myself all men did these things. My only comparison was the men I worked with and they were always marrying, divorcing, and sleeping with others. This was what men did.
I never talked to anyone about it. I never told my family. I never went to counseling. I never told a friend. I was ashamed because my husband did this to me, because I wasn't good enough, and because I let him do it.
