Looking back I wonder just what I was thinking. I had ample proof something was going on with my husband. I had resources; a job, a future, family. I should have been able to stop this cycle. I should have had the confidence and the self-esteem to walk away from whatever was driving my husband. I knew exactly what was going on.
My husband became more and more enamored of the computer. He played video games into the night. I didn't know much about the Internet until I was transferred south. There I had time to surf and I soon discovered the vast Internet porn industry. When I returned home on weekends I found porn on my husband's computer. I found chat sites and contact he had made with local women. He had excuses for all these things but in reality, it didn't matter. I didn't want to know. I didn't want accept that my husband could not stay away from sex.
Our sex life was wonderful. He was a dedicated lover who paid attention to what I wanted. We had a rich and colorful fantasy life. But as the years moved on I began to have concerns about the fantasies. During sex he would ask me if I would promise to make the fantasies come true. I would say yes, knowing I never intended to. He would push, promise me you'll sleep with someone else. Promise me you'll wear something see-through out to dinner. He brought home huge amounts of lingerie. He pushed me wear revealing clothing even though I knew I would look ridiculous. I didn't want to do these things but I enjoyed fantasizing about it during sex and I wanted to make him happy.
Still, I began to feel creepy about our fantasy life and I began to pull back from sex with my husband. The more I pulled back, the more he pushed. I didn't like it but I thought I could control it.
In 1999 we received orders to Italy. All my concerns were pushed to the back as I worked toward selling the house, packing up our belongings, and getting all the military requirements done before we left. My husband moved to Italy six months before I did leaving me to sell the house from three hours away. I took our dog to my apartment at my duty station and finished my work while preparing to move. This was a good time for me. My husband was 5,000 miles away. I couldn't worry about him. He called me and told me he missed me and loved me. I missed him. And I loved him with all my heart. I adored him.
