We settled into a rhythm. I worked as a government contractor, he as civil service. We shared our stories when we got home from work. We had parties and we attended parties. As we begin to remodel the master bath, I decided to go back to graduate school.
I had wanted to work in the counseling profession for years. I had began my Masters while stationed south of my husband but when I was promoted and the Air Force offered us an assignment in Italy I quit. My boss was going to the University of Phoenix majoring in counseling and I suddenly wanted to too. For the next two years I worked full time, helped remodel and did my homework. It was grueling. Far more grueling than I remembered from my first grad school. So much time was spent reading and researching and housework never stopped. I steadily gained weight after my retirement from the AF. I was approaching middle age and suddenly I found myself experiencing night sweats and hot flashes. It was disconcerting. I was uncomfortable and unhappy with how I looked and I seemed to enter a spiral of self-loathing.
I traveled quite a bit with my job and I enjoyed it, Hill AFB, Minot AFB, Whiteman AFB, Kings Bay Naval Station, Kansas City, Amarillo, Newport RI, Knoxville TN, Okinawa Japan. I worked on papers and did my research at home. A routine developed. I would sit in front of the TV downstairs and work on homework while my husband played video games on his gaming computer upstairs. I knew he wasn't just gaming. When I went up the stairs and down the hall to his office I announced loudly, "Woman on deck!" and "Turn off the porn!"
My husband would get angry when I did this. I had seen porn often enough as I entered his office but he just got angry at me. He would swivel his chair towards me to block the screen, he would fumble the mouse to close the window or turn off the monitor. I knew this. I struggled with this. Worst of all were the nights he wanted to make love.
My husband would be downstairs with me and then restlessly he would pace into the kitchen. Silently he would walk through the back hall and quickly jump the stairs without saying a word. If I asked him where he was going he would say he had work to do or I was busy and he wanted to get in a video game. Hours later he would come downstairs and throw himself across the chair. He would look at me and smile. He would roll his eyes and make faces like a child. He would get my attention and tell me I looked beautiful. He wanted to make love. It disgusted me. I was not about to be the convenient outlet for my husband's lust stoked by the porn he was surfing.
No fucking way.
I knew exactly what he was doing. What I didn't know was the extent of what he was doing. I had no idea bout the instant messages. The chats with women. The other stuff. I didn't want him to touch me. When he did the heat of his body threw me into sweaty hot flashes. I wasn't sure if that was caused by menopause or my disgust with his behaviors.
I struggled with this. Fights between us accomplished nothing. I didn't want to see what he was doing upstairs. I saw the sex toys in his desk drawers. I didn't want to know. I didn't want a divorce but I didn't want him to touch me. I wondered if we could just live together but he would not leave me alone. I wondered if I could sleep with him without thinking about his other life. I felt like a whore. Why should I feel like a whore when I was doing nothing wrong? There were weeks when I refused to sleep with him but even I needed to feel loved and even I needed human contact.
I poured over his computer to search for porn but I also realized he was getting better at hiding what he did. He spent hours pursuing his needs and I didn't have hours to follow him on line. I suspected he might have other email accounts but how could I find out? Life became unbearable but I bore it.
This became our life. I still adored my husband, beyond all reason. He still held my hand and told me loved me. This became our life.
