A nightmare happened after. That's what happened. The nightmare I had been avoiding for 20 years. How do I describe all the emotions that flooded through me? Anger, betrayal, hatred, violence, fear, loathing, loss, you name it.
How could this be happening? How long had my husband been seeing someone else? And not just her. There were emails to prostitutes. A dominatrix. A man who placed an ad on Craig's List. Oh my God, oh my God. So much more than I ever imagined. Not just phone sex. Not just web chats. Women all over the country. Men too.
Fear. AIDS.
I wanted to die. I wanted him to die. I wanted to disappear.
She adored him. MY WORDS. I adored him! I adored him! He is MY husband. She didn't have a right to adore him. There were chatty emails and jokes. Just like they meant something to each other. As if I didn't exist.
She called him and slapped him back to reality. He took advice from her that he would not take from me! I was sick to my stomach. I emailed her and called her a whore. I posted on his Facebook page about how he was fucking a whore named Terri Beuerlein Cusic.
He called her Terri Beuerlein in his emails. That was classic. Use her maiden name to alienate the husband. That way neither of them felt so guilty. I forwarded the emails to my account to save them.
I can't even remember what happened that night. I don't really want to remember. The emotions are enough. Even now I can feel the panic of that evening. I wanted him to feel my pain. I wanted him to FEEL my pain. I hit him. I slapped him. I threatened to kill him. I screamed and screamed and screamed. I screamed my pain.
He started telling me the truth at the point of a gun. He had been sleeping with her. He had slept with other the woman early in our marriage. 19 years of lying. He had lied to me for 19 years. I had been right all along. I was right about everything. I lied to myself more than he lied to me. I was disgusted with him and me.
He had seen the dominatrix several times. He never met the man from Craig's List. It was a nightmare that even I had never imagined. He told me to kill him and then cringed when I said I would. I screamed until I was exhausted. He tried to hold me and I slapped him. Get away from me you filthy, lying, cheating, male whore. You are nothing but a whore. A lying diseased whore and you sleep with lying diseased whores. You made me into a whore.
Finally exhausted. Beyond all words and accusations. Beyond misery. I made him sleep in the same bed with me. I didn't want to be alone.
