I have examined my emotions so often that they are almost disconnected from me now. A quick look at the emails I saved bring them right back into focus.
What hurts the worst about this betrayal?
The morning after December 15th I screamed at my husband. I screamed at him about how disgusting he is. I screamed at him about how vile his is. I screamed insults at the diseased and filthy woman who used him and who hurt me. I called her names and wished her a slow death. He said, "Stop calling her those names."
Why? Does it bother you when I call her names?
Yes.
Why?
Because she's a human being.
My heart shattered. My chest was hollow. My world ended. My reality shredded.
I howled at him. She's a human being? SHE'S a human being? That fucking whore?
I went downstairs. I sat at the table. The pain was unbearable. The pain was more intense than any pain I had ever experienced in my life.
The pain welled up in me and overflowed and tore its way out of me. I made sounds I had never heard before. Surely God heard me.
She's a human being. What am I? I can't insult her because she's a human being but I am just someone to be hurt. She's a human being. This woman whose own unfulfilled and empty life intersected with mine was a human being entitled to respect, and I was....what was I?
When my husband told Terri Cusic about how I neglected him did he ever think, "My wife is a human being not deserving of this betrayal?" When he had coffee or lunch with her did it ever cross his mind that I was a human being? When he fucked her did he think, "My wife's a human being who will be hurt?"
Why was she entitled to defense but I wasn't? Why?
I knew then I wasn't a human being. I was a thing who annoyed my husband. When did I cease to be a human being? Was it always this way? I was a lump of pure pain. I was less than human. I was an animal. A hindrance. A thing.
I screamed until I was hoarse. My husband held me as I rocked and screamed. Later he said he didn't remember this.
